…Christmas for GPs:  Take One Humbug and Come Back in January if it’s No Better…

Of course you know:  Christmas for GPs actually started ages ago.  It’s not when you start hearing Slade and Wham on Radio 2 in November.  It’s not even when Tesco starts stocking Christmas puddings in October.  You’re miles out.  Christmas for GPs actually starts in about April.  It’s when your eye drifts down the annualContinue reading “…Christmas for GPs:  Take One Humbug and Come Back in January if it’s No Better…”

Remember, Remember the 31st of October: Halloween and Bonfire Night

Ok, kids…you won’t believe this, but once there was a time when Halloween wasn’t a big deal. And nor was Bonfire Night. And to be honest, I don’t really care for either of them. Which is why I’ve come up with a solution. Yes: I propose we combine the two. “Remember, Remember, The Thirty-First ofContinue reading “Remember, Remember the 31st of October: Halloween and Bonfire Night”

… Does that seem better…or worse? : a trip to the optician.

“Can you read the top line for me?” “There are lines?” “On the chart in front of you.” “Chart, you say?” Yes, folks.  This month I’ve needed to visit the optician. And like the blind leading the blind, or at very least the highly myopic leading the partially sighted, I had to bring the boyContinue reading “… Does that seem better…or worse? : a trip to the optician.”

… Beekeeping for the Under-Sevens.

I keep bees. That’s probably all the back story you need for this. I keep bees, and I have children. I have 60,000 bees and two children.  In that order. The opposite way round would represent a failure of both contraception and toast : topping ratio planning. People who know me wonder if I shouldContinue reading “… Beekeeping for the Under-Sevens.”

… Visiting the dentist: Fillings, Killings and the Drool Event Horizon

Dentist: Oh, how are your wisdom teeth by the way? Me:        Guk g’huk guck,  guckoo Nurse:   Much better, thank you. Me (five minutes later, making things worse) : You see, I couldn’t speak with my mouth wide open, but I thought you were asking me about my wisdom teeth, in which case the answer wouldContinue reading “… Visiting the dentist: Fillings, Killings and the Drool Event Horizon”

… My Right Foot and other tales of horror

DO NOT SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM. YOU WILL REGRET IT. Well, Doctor.  You know how if you’ve watched a Rocky film or a Bond movie, you might get carried away and shadow-box a bit, or maybe burst through a couple of doors checking for enemy agents? Go on. Well, l I’d been watching La LaContinue reading “… My Right Foot and other tales of horror”

… Passwords (or “Chris Tarrant and the curse of NHS I.T.”)

This month I have mainly been getting annoyed by computer passwords. It’s like “Who Want’s to Be a Millionaire?” but with more questions and less prize money.

Me: Password64
Chris: Final answer?
Me: Final answer, Chris.
Chris: OK. You said Password64.
Me: I know.
Chris: Confident?
Me: Hurry up Chris
Chris: You’re absolutely…. wrong!
No way! Piss off, Chris! This was definitely right yesterday.
Or have I changed it?

… The New NHS (National Hairdressing Service)

After seeing “unprecedented” and “once in a generation” queues round the block outside barbers’ shops across Britain today, I have accepted the call from the nation to lead in the development of a new NHS: the National Hairdressing Service. Unfortunately, to save on time, originality and effort on my part I am using exactly theContinue reading “… The New NHS (National Hairdressing Service)”