Humph was finally home. The relief was huge. Nothing could possibly go wrong now. And then his kidneys failed. To be continued… … Intermediate Tortoise Wrangling. So it seems I’ve left this cliffhanger un-answered for several months. After 8 months in the wilderness (i.e the garden of the block of flats that adjoins our house) HumphreyContinue reading “Advanced Tortoise Wrangling: The Further Unexpected Adventures of Humphrey the Tortoise.”
Category Archives: Home
… The Great Outdoors.
So; the boy and I have been camping. You are probably expecting some light-hearted whimsy about the disasters that befell us and the scrapes we got up to. Fortunately, however, I am neither a novice (having read at least two Tarzan books) nor a simpleton. There were no disasters. The scrapes were much more YogiContinue reading “… The Great Outdoors.”
… Valentines day
So it’s Valentines day. You will be aware that Mrs Dr Brown is magnificent. Dolphins have swimming with her on their bucket lists. If she was any more magnificent, Richard Dawkins wouldn’t believe in her. And so I need to buy a Valentine’s card. Because nothing says “I love you, and please forgive the threeContinue reading “… Valentines day”
… Bounce Ninja!
“Sure! How hard can it be?” And with that, I’d committed to taking my son and his mates out for his birthday party. How hard? Plenty hard, it transpired. Almost as hard as the head-height barriers and the eye-socket shaped corners of the Bounce Ninja indoor trampoline centre where we were going. I mean, whatContinue reading “… Bounce Ninja!”
… Jurassic Park! The Art of Rubbish Parenting.
“Daddy. How much do you love me?” “Ten out of ten!” “How many out of a million?” “Well, it’s improbable that I should love you ten out of ten to six decimal places. So maybe about nine-hundred and ninety nin…” I see the tears start to well up. “A million and six!” Yes, as we’veContinue reading “… Jurassic Park! The Art of Rubbish Parenting.”
…. Starting Big School
So the day has arrived. Big school. We’ve done all the homework we can. Like any responsible parent, we’re bought the uniform, including a blazer so huge it would swamp an upper-medium sized gorilla in the hope that he’ll grow into it before he wears it out. On a boy so small his tie isContinue reading “…. Starting Big School”
… Zig zag; a very short autobiography
As I grow up, I’m trying to make sure my kids have all the opportunities I never had. Except that’s not true. I did have all these opportunities as a kid. So let me try that again. As I grow up, I’m trying to make sure my kids take all the opportunities I never didContinue reading “… Zig zag; a very short autobiography”
… Not Making a Fuss
As we have established, I am achingly middle class. And so I have the threefold faults of And so it is nearly impossible for me to say what I mean or get anything done for fear of offending. Let me show you. “Is everything OK with your meal, Sir?” “Lovely, thank you.” It’s her jobContinue reading “… Not Making a Fuss”
… Being Home Alone
Mrs Dr Brown has gone on holiday. I am therefore nominally in charge of my two children for five whole days. That’s 120 hours. Or 7,200 minutes. I know that because after the first few I drew myself an 84 x 84 tick chart to count them down. You’d think it would be easy. ButContinue reading “… Being Home Alone”
… Intermediate Tortoise Wrangling.
So, the last you’d heard: it was a beautiful summer’s day. We’d allowed Humphrey out into the garden to enjoy some sunshine and munch some weeds. We momentarily turned our backs, and when we looked round seven or eight short hours later Humph was… GONE! … Tortoise Wrangling for beginners You’d be surprised how fast aContinue reading “… Intermediate Tortoise Wrangling.”
… Not Getting Picked for Ireland: or “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”
The rugby Six Nations is back! But yet again I haven’t been picked for Ireland. In fact, the last time Dr Brown pulled on a famous green jersey was the last time Dr Brown went to cubs. Which is why I’m beginning to think my chance has passed. The school I went to was aContinue reading “… Not Getting Picked for Ireland: or “It’s Not Easy Being Green.””
… Remember, Remember the 31st of October: Halloween and Bonfire Night
Ok, kids…you won’t believe this, but once there was a time when Halloween wasn’t a big deal. And nor was Bonfire Night. And to be honest, I don’t really care for either of them. Which is why I’ve come up with a solution. Yes: I propose we combine the two. “Remember, Remember, The Thirty-First ofContinue reading “… Remember, Remember the 31st of October: Halloween and Bonfire Night”
… Tortoise Wrangling for beginners
Folks who read this blog regularly are starting to complain. “It’s all, well and good hearing about you and your low level village idiocy. But we’re only putting up with you because we want to hear about Humphrey.” We decided a while ago we wanted a pet. Future-Mrs-Dr-Brown and I had a few criteria. NotContinue reading “… Tortoise Wrangling for beginners”
… The Search For the Authentic Dining Experience
They tell me that when you choose a Chinese restaurant, the trick is to pick one that Chinese people actually go to themselves. That way you get a more authentic dining experience. It’s not a perfect theory. You get lots of Americans eating in McDonald’s. That doesn’t exactly make a Happy Meal fine dining. ButContinue reading “… The Search For the Authentic Dining Experience”
… Washing My Dirty Laundry in Public.
I quite like laundry. Laundry is the least worst of all the household tasks. Hoovering / pretending to be the Ghostbusters definitely has its place. But today the sky looks like the opening credits to the Simpsons and that makes it a day for laundry. But, not so fast! For the true expert, laundry doesn’tContinue reading “… Washing My Dirty Laundry in Public.”
… A Nice, Sensible Blog, without rude bits.
“We like your blogs, but we don’t think it needs the naughty talk.” Warns my father. My father doesn’t like “naughty talk”. We’ll be watching TV and he’ll tut to himself. “It’s not big and it’s not clever.” “Father, that’s Stephen Fry. He’s both exceptionally big and enormously clever!” But, OK then. A wholesome, harmlessContinue reading “… A Nice, Sensible Blog, without rude bits.”
… Losing Weight
“Can I help you at all, sir?” “No thanks. Just browsing.” “But Sir, this is a Greggs.” Much as I’m ashamed to admit it, the time has come for me to lose some weight. Mrs Dr Brown pointed this out a little while ago. “That’s a bit harsh.” I countered. “I weigh the same asContinue reading “… Losing Weight”
… Masterchef: It’s The Final!
I switch on BBC One. I meet a couple strolling on a blustery beach in the North East, throwing a stick for a black Labrador. Perhaps one of them has a heart-warming backstory. Possibly the dog. Sharp edit to a flashy new city canal-side development where a beautiful young couple are walking bouncily, arm inContinue reading “… Masterchef: It’s The Final!”
… Litter Picking: It’s not easy being green.
I’m rubbish at caring for the environment. Maybe not full-on plastic landfill rubbish, but still rubbish. But when the greenest thing about me is the sputum of my nine-year-old son as we walk along a busy road to school, I realise something needs to be done. I console myself that I’m not as bad asContinue reading “… Litter Picking: It’s not easy being green.”
… Buying a Phone: A tragic story of unfulfilled potential.
Summer 2006… “So, how many texts do you send in a typical month?” I didn’t want to sound like a technophobe, so I thought I’d better exaggerate a bit. So I doubled it. “About twelve?” I suggested. Do you know how many extra texts I ended up paying for as part of my deal thatContinue reading “… Buying a Phone: A tragic story of unfulfilled potential.”
… World Book Day and Dressing Up for School: or “What’ve we got that would do?”
“Night night, darling.” I whisper to my sleeping son on my way up to bed. He stirs. “Night, Dad” Awwww! “Dad? I need to go to school dressed as a Roman tomorrow.” He rolls over and with a snuggle into his quilt, he’s asleep again. I press the button which sets off the flashing redContinue reading “… World Book Day and Dressing Up for School: or “What’ve we got that would do?””
… Sump Sprockets, Sloop Valves and the MOT.
My car is due its MOT in January. And for the uninitiated, with the technical terminology, unfamiliar equipment and the code of secrecy, I imagine it can feel a lot like a trip to the doctors. But a few weeks before the MOT I had noticed a worrying symptom. The chest pain of the internalContinue reading “… Sump Sprockets, Sloop Valves and the MOT.”
… Christmas Markets
I’m a sucker for Christmas. Always have been. I like the lights. I like the music. I like the seasonal cheer and the peace on earth and goodwill to all men. I’m the sort of person who cries at the Muppets Christmas Carol and the Yogi Bear Christmas Special. Or when the Snowman melts orContinue reading “… Christmas Markets”
… Bill, Remembrance and Barcelona Brothels
Bill up the road died last month. He was 91. I’d always liked Bill, not least because he used to swear at me in front of my mother. “Morning, Mr. Taylor” I’d shout out on the way to school. “Now there’s a cheeky young bastard!” he’d reply, not looking round. Bill had been in theContinue reading “… Bill, Remembrance and Barcelona Brothels”
… Birthday Presents
Let me first say that Mrs. Brown is magnificent. I am very lucky. Dolphins have swimming with her on their bucket list. It is no surprise to the casual observer that she agreed to marry me prior to her laser eye surgery. And when we announced our engagement, my brother said he was “not soContinue reading “… Birthday Presents”
Dr Brown is Getting Better 