… Surviving Air Disasters (and why never to fall asleep during the safety briefing)

“Thank you for flying BudgetAir. Please pay close attention to the following safety briefing.”

Unfortunately the 3 am start for the seven am flight was starting to catch up with me.

I’d taken advantage of the double gift from BudgetAir of not having paid extra to select my seat, which meant I didn’t have to sit too close to my children: winner, winner, airline dinner!

The lids were growing heavy.

The brain was struggling to focus.

Concentrate, Brown. This could be important.

“Before takeoff if you are over five feet tall you may wish to adopt the brace position shown in the safety leaflet to stop the bastard in front of you reclining his seat fully back and smashing your knees for the duration of the flight.”

“In case of a sudden loss of pressure emergency oxen will drop from the panel above your seat. Please affix your own ox before helping others.”

“On BudgetAir flights we cannot afford buoyancy jackets, so why not enjoy a packet of life-vest flavoured crisps while reminiscing about happier times past on better equipped airlines.?”

“Should the fire have been started by Superman’s super laser vision, please do not wait for your laundry cycle to complete.”

“To identify your nearest exit, remember the plane looks a bit like that diagram you do for patients when you’re describing an ingrown toenail”

“In the unlikely event of having to evacuate the plane at sea: for your entertainment, but primarily your safety, we will be playing a selection of classic Europop hits.”

“Should the heady cocktail of changing cabin pressure and a week of all-inclusive tapas cause you to release a particularly ungodly eggy drifter, why not do the gentlemanly thing and try and sneak out, blaming Mrs Doctor Brown? Ssshhhh!”

And I’m pretty sure I didn’t dream this, but I think the steward advised me in the case of emergency to just follow the enormous one-eyed penguin with the erection.

Have a safe and comfortable flight!

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