…Online Shopping

We’ve all been doing it since Covid-19 kicked in.   

It’s a bit of a guilty pleasure.  

Traffic on the biggest sites has gone up 300% over lockdown.  

I’ve got to the point where I’m having to delete my internet search history several times a week, so Mrs. Brown doesn’t see what I’ve been up to.   

Yes, that’s the one. 

My name’s Rick and I’ve been buying rubbish online. 

In itself this isn’t really a problem.  But where I’m getting frustrated is the way this is affecting my nicely ordered Amazon search algorithm.  Where previously what it suggested was a neatly stocked store of magic tricks, comic books and dad rock CD’s like any normal grown up, now Amazon is targeting me with adverts for stuff that not only do I not want and have no need of, but that I have not a clue what they are. 

Let me show you a typical selection of my “recommendations for you” inspired by my search history, wish list and the whimsy of the top-secret Amazon* algorithm. 

(*Other South American rivers are available but the delivery service provided by Orinoco, the laziest of all the Wombles, is simply shocking) 

Anyway – my recommendations list now looks some thing like this…

“I’d like a universal accessory please.  

“Sir will have to be more specific.  We at AXOR have a selection of over 42 million universal accessories.  What does sir intend to use his universal accessory for?” 

“You know.  Everything” 

“Certainly sir.  Flat or bent so if you set something on top of it on your bedside table everything will just slide onto the floor.” 

“Bent, please” 

“Ah, yes.  The model 42,801,000.  Sir makes an excellent choice”

 

You know how it is after a busy day of doing impressions of the Fonz.   You’re calm.  Relaxed.  Cool.  But after several hours of doing the thumbs-up and saying “aaaaay!” at 1950’s high school kids you need somewhere to relax the over worked digits.  That’s where you might require a handy and portable thumb-rest.  You can get about your business sorting the romantic relationships of clean-cut teenagers at Arnold’s Drive-In while the thumb gets a well-earned snooze. 

  

I have literally no idea what this one is. Can’t even guess.  A guillotine? An urban igloo? It is made by Panasonic so I assume electronic.  It is compatible with an EPS270C but I neither have one nor know what it is.  I also have no idea of the scale of this product so it could be a tiny part of a smart watch circuit board or big enough for middle class chickens to live in in a suburban garden.  Shop now, Amazon?  Maybe not.

 

In 1995 I went on an unsuccessful date to the Leicester Odeon.  She wanted to see disturbing neo-noir psychological serial-killer film “Se7en” with Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman.  I wanted to see “Babe:  The Sheep Pig”.   She won.  I’m pretty sure in the scene where the pretty lady didn’t have a very nice evening (in the movie, not the date), the gentleman played by Kevin Spacey used one of these.  Meanwhile in Screen 4, Babe wins the county show in an unexpected yet heartwarming manner.  It didn’t work out. 

“My house has no arse.” 

“What do you mean your house has no arse?”   

What you need is a pack of 2 White Self Adhesive Wall Bums.   

Do I need one per wall? Per room? Per house? Presumably they need to be in pairs at very least. Upstairs too or just on the bottom floor? (sorry!)

Four and a half stars out of five, though, so these are clearly pretty decent Wall Bums.  None of your bog-standard architectural buttocks here.

  

A four and a half star bum? Add to Wish List… CLICK!